Sometimes I feel like my being is like a combustion engine. I require this pent up pressure in order to propel myself forward. I feel it up my shoulders and into my neck. In my mind there is a long list of to-dos that never shortens; as one thing is crossed off, 3 more are added. I have a standard of perfection that is relentless; anything less is a disappointment and a seed of sorrow. I long to deflate; to rest; to be at peace. When my daughter falls down, I tell her to get up and shake it off. When I brush her hair and she complains that it hurts as I try to get out the tangles, I tell her she needs to learn to be strong. I don't want her to be weak. When I'm sick I heartily resist taking a nap. But isn't it the best when someone comes and holds you when you don't feel well. I don't want my sweet lass to be hard and aloof. How do I teach her and help her to be both strong and vulnerable; ever striving for truer Christ-likeness and yet real with her weakness and failings. How can I teach her to "strive for excellence" as my ninth grade geometry teacher repeatedly said and not beat herself up when she falls short. How do I guide her in these mysteries of paradox when I have yet to grasp them myself. I suspect it once again has something or much to do with my attempt in my flesh to accomplish these things in me and in her in contrast to a resting in Christ who by His Spirit can beautifully work these in us.

My daughter has taken to telling my husband and I that, "that's not sweet," when we take something from her she wants and thinks she should have or require her to do something (like go to bed) that she does not want to do. We tell her it is because we love her and it is our responsibility to love her that we do these things. We tell her that we know what she needs and that even though she doesn't like it, this is what's going to happen for her own benefit. In my heart, and occasionally out loud, I say the same thing to God - "Don't you know that's not sweet, I know what's good for me and you're taking it from me, or you won't give it to me." How infinitely greater is God's love for me and His wisdom to know how to care for me.

Hmmm I've never blogged. Here we go.